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  • DeAnza Spangler

Doing better feels a lot like being lost...


Less control, less understanding. I'm not sure how I progress and go backwards at the same time all I can think is that God does it on purpose. He knows that the minute I think I'm "put together" or "I've arrived" I go rogue thinking it's all on me. Instead He allows me to walk in the dark know He is the only way I get through. I see my business progressing and it flourishing, and I think to myself, how in the world am I going to keep from disappointing these people. But yet I take it one day at a time and the Lord's grace covers my lack of time management skills because let's be honest I'm stretching it by saying I have any at all! (lol but it's true, this is where my husband chimes in with an AMEN.)

On top of that let's add the plate (responsibility) of self care. Once again, what self care? I stared into the eyes of a very frustrated physician today who can't fathom why I don't want to get better in the areas my physical body is failing by making it a priority. I wish I could touch her hand and she would get a glimpse of a day in my head. I wonder if she would feel the same way, or if there would be mounds of compassion for how hard I make my life. Yes I mostly blame myself for the bad sleep habits and poor management skills.

So we are back at the top of this crazy circle that seems impossible to break. But my reason for writing is to remind you and I at the same time that the Lord in all his grace is not frustrated that we can't break ourselves out of crazy. Instead He is moved at the site of a child fighting a battle that He won for us. All we have to do is jump on for a piggy back ride (the mental picture of of a 300lb woman jumping on the back of Jim Caviesel makes me pee my pants...but I digress) and let him carry us out. I know I'm preaching to the choir but I figure if I say it out loud maybe I can lay my self-help self-fix mentality at the Lord's feet and pick up his love for me in it's place. 2 amazing women I pray with often talk about how hard it is sometimes when the Lord has called them to lay their children at the Lord's alter and not pick them back up again but leave them in his hands. I wonder (like duh) if we do this with the what seems like unwinnable battles in our life we will get the same result of a faithful father standing on the road with outstretched arms. And even though we walked down that same road of shame 2 hours ago, the arms, compasison, and longing coming from him never waiver.

And to throw in another note: Check out this song if you haven't heard it, it kind of read my mind...in a more appropriate way :) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXdAsdouPFo

So I'm not sure if half of that was even english, but at least at the end I feel some part of my struggle has been placed at the Lord's feet.

Until my next moment of a Hot Mess Confessional.....D


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